


Lily

by Morethancupcake



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Adoption, Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Baby Fic, Childhood Friends, Destiel story since apparently the tags arent obvious, Divorce, Fatherhood, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Infidelity, Kid Fic, M/M, Slow Burn, mention of dean/others
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-26
Updated: 2015-06-27
Packaged: 2018-04-06 07:54:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4214001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morethancupcake/pseuds/Morethancupcake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean can't be a father. He can't accept that baby on his metaphorical doorstep, and he can't accept all the changes it brings.</p><p>"I don't want to know. I don't want to hear about it. From now on, I don't want to know it exists, or anything. Can you do that ?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimers (since apprently it's needed) : this is a Destiel story, it'll probably end with a Destiel happy end so don't be a sour little thing and post your hate because I didn't write it the way you would have wanted it.
> 
> Actually as a general rule don't post your hate. Like, ever. Go drink a glass of water and breathe a little. Chocolate is a good idea for you.

It's a baby. It's supposed to be a good thing, he's supposed to be happy, to want it.

Dean watches it from afar, and he can feel the looks the nurses cast him on his skin. They want him to go over, to reach into the small plastic crib and hold it, and keep it in his arms, but he can't.

It's a baby. It's not his. It's not. No matter what they say.

 

He is lost, and ashamed, and mad. So mad. Mad at himself, mostly, but he's mad at this girl, too, this girl he can't remember, and this bomb she left on his metaphorical doorstep. In a few hours, this baby will be free, free to meet another family, free to be in this world. In a few hours, Dean will start a new day and forget this nightmare.

No matter what they say, it's not his. It's not.

 

Sammy is mad too. Sammy is disgusted. He had tried to reach for the baby, but Dean had barked something, something about him being stupid, and too young to understand. Now Sammy is probably outside, hating him a little more, but Dean doesn't care, can't let himself care.

In September his life will start. In September, his last year, he'll start this internship that could mean something, that could mean more for him than just helping uncle Bobby. All of this, the hours spent studying, the hours at the Roadhouse wiping tables, it could finally be something more for him. 

This crying thing isn't going to ruin it all. He's been stupid, and careless, and sure it won't happen again, but he can't he just can't.

 

"Do you remember the foster homes ?" Sammy yells, and he's got snot running down his nose. Gabriel and Cas are trying to keep him away, and Dean is still on the floor, holding his nose. People around them are silent, watching them fight. The nurse in charge of the baby is watching them from inside, and she looks as tired as Dean feels. 

It's a baby. Won't stay for long. They always want the babies. Dean remembers. He remembers the other boys looking sad, and waiting for parents who weren't going to pick them. He remembers sitting with them, and feeling like a fraud, because he had a parent, he had someone, he just wasn't good enough to be kept.

Sammy kicks him, and Dean sees it in his eyes, he sees the exact moment he stops being a hero, and just starts being dad.

 

Gabriel brings him an ice pack, and another cup of the awful coffee they offer in the waiting room. Dean doesn't say a word, and is thankful for the little peace the other guy gives him.

"It's not my kid." he whispers after a while. "I can't be a dad, okay. I can't."

"You and Ben, Dean-o ? You're doing a good job, there." Dean wants to smile, but his face is throbbing. 

"Not the same. It's not the same."

The big plastic clock says eleven. The baby isn't even a day old, and Dean is already screwing up its life.

 

Balthazar is there, with Starbucks cups for everyone. He's wearing a big coat, it looks expensive, and warm. Castiel holds on to him, and hides his face into his neck. Dean tries not to stare, but it's hard, it always has been, because Castiel is strong, and unyielding, he's mean and ruthless, but right now he looks small and lost, and Balthazar's hand cups the back of his head as if he was made of glass.

 

"Dean's signature would make things easier, of course, but it's not exactly..." 

Balthazar stops when he opens the door, and all the eyes in the room are on him. Dean goes back to his seat, and he tries to block the tiny thing in Sammy's arms. He tries not to see his brother's eyes glued on the little thing inside the pink blanket. 

"What do you need me for ?" he asks, and looks at Balthazar, because this is easy. They aren't friend, they aren't family. Balthazar doesn't owe him a thing, and he won't sugarcoat things or try to make it better.

"We need your signature. To helps us settle this quickly, and to avoid too many eyes on this matter. Michael is already taking care of everything, we just need to to sign, so we can..."

"You're doing this ? Really ?" He doesn't want to look at Castiel, but he sees his hand reaching for Balthazar, and he sees the way the older man leans into it. "Castiel is still studying, and you guys have been together for what ? Three years ? Seriously ?"

"Dean." Castiel's voice is hard. "Will you ? Sign ?"

Outside, it's raining again, this awful, cold wall. In the morning, the roads are going to be slippery, and Bobby will need help. In the morning, he'll stop at the bakery, and he'll try to pretend it was all a nightmare.

"I don't care."

 

In the morning, Bobby sends him a text about roads being too slippery even for them, and to stay warm in his godanm bed.  
Gabriel is working when he opens the bakery, and his smile doesn't reach his eyes when he asks Dean about his order.  
He tries to call Cas, once, twice, and a dozen times more, until all he can think about is talking to his fucking best friend who should just fucking answer his fucking phone.

He sleeps on the couch, his breakfast untouched, and wakes up at the three knocks at his door.

 

Castiel is wearing jeans, and a henley Dean remembers picking for him. He has a brown paper bag full of food, and apologize for not thinking about coffee. 

He puts a heavy enveloppe on the coffee table. Dean can read Michael name's on it.

"Michael did everything quickly. You just have to sign everything, and then it'll be over."

"And then you'll be a dad." Dean smiles and bites into his cheese and ham croissant. "Funny." Castiel doesn't answer. He eats slowly, not exactly looking like he wants to talk about it. "Quite fast. You and Baz, parents."

"We talked about it." There's applesauce running on his hand, and Dean feels awful for the wave of want he feels, because really, puberty, college, girls, nothing had been enough to stop the want, the need he feels when they're alone together. "It's earlier than planned, of course, but we'll manage, and..." He sighs, and tries to smile. "I know it's not ideal, but it's our chance, and it would be stupid for us to..."

"Not to mention it's mine." Castiel stops and his eyes are open, and surprised. He looks like the kid who used to live down the road, and not like the man who's sitting there, eating his lunch on Dean's couch in between classes and appointments. "Come on. You and I, we've played this game for years. You know I'm straight, so it's, the next best thing, right ? My kid, you're going to raise my kid, it's..."

"Fuck you."

Castiel packs his lunch back. He grabs the juice, and the pastries, and he does't leave things behind like he usually does. He doesn't fight with Dean for him to eat more, and take care of himself. He's fast, and upset, and his hands are shaking when he reaches for his trench coat and his scarf. 

"Sign these." he says at the door. "That's the only thing I've ever asked of you Dean. Sign these."

 

He does, of course he does. He calls Michael, and they meet up for coffee, close to his office. It's hard for Dean, to link this tall man to the guy who used to come visit the Novaks twice a year, Castiel's big brother. He explains everything, and when Dean starts to sign, he calls Balthazar who arrives a couple of minutes after. The pub is full of lawyers, tall men with expensive suits, and Dean feels like an idiot, in his faded jeans.

"That's an amazing gift you're giving us." Balthazar says, smiling at Michael. "Castiel and I, we were thinking about starting a family, this..." He chokes a little, and Dean starts to understand what an ass he's been, earlier. Balthazar is shaking a little, and he breathes out when Dean hands them all the papers. 

"We are all adults here." Michael states, asking the waitress for another glass of tea. "Baz and Cas are ready to keep you part of the baby's life if you want, of course. You are friends, so it's going to take a little time maybe but..."

"No." Dean notices he's the only one drinking alcohol, people around settling on coffee, or water. He takes another sip of his beer. "I don't want to know. I don't want to hear about it. From now on, I don't want to know it exists, or anything. Can you do that ?"

The eyes on the other side of the table are cold. So cold. Michael nods a few times, before leaving without a warning. Balthazar stays, and Dean waits for what he has to say.

"Castiel and I. We're building a family. Together. Do you understand, Dean ?"

He nods, because what else is he supposed to do. 

He flirts with the waitress, and follows her into her small appartment at the end of her shift. In the morning, he tries to call Castiel. No one answers. He doesn't stop to the bakery, and buys crappy donuts at the gas station.

 

He calls, every morning. Castiel doesn't answer. He knows, because people talk, and people don't know about everything, so he knows, about the baby, and how happy they are.

His classes are hard, but for once he likes it, because he studies, he spends time alone with his books, old Doctor Sexy episodes on the old TV, and he forgets.

 

Baz and Castiel leave their appartment for a little house, just outside the city. Sammy is over there often, he knows, but he can't ask, because his little brother is still upset, even if he isn't mad anymore.

"She's beautiful." he says one day, after one of their fights. They do that more often, they fight, over stupid things. They know they're actually fighting about that night, about Dean playing John, really, and Sammy feeling like the baby left behind. "She's so beautiful. She knows me, and she smiles when I hold her."

Dean doesn't know what to say. So he doesn't say a word.

 

He spends his birthday with Ben and Lisa, because Castiel is still not answering, and he's still calling in the morning. Ben sits close to him, and they talk about soccer practice, and the new coach who's a little too sweet on Lisa, maybe. They all laugh, it's easy, and the cake is good, it's great.

Castiel used to bake him an apple pie, just for him. 

He sits with Lisa, outside, both pretending they aren't smoking. 

"Ben look good." he says. And he adds. "You sure he isn't...?"

"Dean." She has this toe, her Mommy voice, he calls it. He wonders how Cas talks to the baby. 

"It's just. I was wondering." They drink a little more, and Dean hopes she'll offer him the couch, because he's pretty sure he can't drive home anymore. "Cas is a father, now, you know ?"

"Really ?" She was never a fan of Castiel. Or more exactly, she was never a fan of their relationship, before. She does't know about the few kisses in the dark, or the night it had almost been more. But still, she's jealous, even now, and she's always glad to know how happy Baz and Castiel are together.

"A little girl. Not even a month old."

"You have a picture ?"

"No."

He sleeps on the couch, and in the morning, Lisa leaves some waffles for him, while she drives Ben to his dad's. She kisses his cheek, and she still smells like vanilla. He knows she still wants him, he knows he has a place, here if he ever wants to.

But it's not what he wants. He leaves a note, thanking them for an aweome birthday, and he drives home. There's food in the fridge, probably from Sam, and a pie on the counter, from Gabriel. There's a few messages, from Bobby, from Ellen. 

Castiel doesn't call.

 

Weeks turn into months. It's beautiful outside, and Dean spends time alone, driving around, going to the lake, visiting Bobby. He's sitting in the kitchen with a beer when the old man starts the fire :

"So how are you holding on, with all that ?"

"Don't know what you're talking about." Bobby is moving things in the fridge, and Dean guesses the heavy dish is lasagna, just like when they were kids. He missed it. 

"Don't try this with me. Your brother... that's another thing. He needs time, you know him. But you. Don't tell me signing off your kid didn't do anything to you, Dean."

Dean tries to think. He tries to remember the anger, and the fear. He tries to remember everything from that night. 

"I don't know her name." he says, words heavy in his mouth. "I didn't want to hold her. I kept thinking it was a burden."

"You got scared."

He notices tears are running down his face because of the little drops on the wood in front of him. He remembers crying at this table, often. He remembers his skinned knees and palms, and Bobby putting band aids on them. He remembers the day that stpid cat died on the road, and he couldn't stop sobbing. Bobby holds him close, just like when he was a small kid, and he cries.

 

In the morning, he doesn't call. He sends a text.

"What's her name" he asks, and then goes for coffee. Bobby is still asleep, and he takes his cup to John's grave, or what they decided to use as a grave, one morning.

"Elizabeth" is Castiel first answer.  
"But we call her Lily" sent a few minutes after.

 

"Elizabeth." Dean weights the name on his tongue. "Lily."


	2. Chapter 2

Spring turns into summer. Dean puts everything he owns into garbage bags, and he leaves his small appartment. Gabriel and Sammy come to help him. They drink beer, in the now empty space, and they talk about life, and meaningless things. Dean waits until he's alone with Gabe, and asks if maybe he has pictures on his phone he can see. Gabriel shows him, and Dean gives the phone back with shaking hands.

He leaves in the morning. Gabriel sends him all the pictures he has, and Dean saves them all on his phone.

 

He meets Benny, who owns the bakery close to his little appartment. The air smells like sugar and coffee, and Benny's laugh is impossible to resist. One night, after too many sweets, and too many smiles, Benny kisses him, his broad hands cupping his face, and Dean forgets about the guilt, and the anger, and the tears in the shower.

Still he's scared, he's so scared, and Benny smiles again, kissing his eyelids. 

He hates his new job, and he hates the aura of money and power it gives to people. He tries, he tries, because it's what he always wanted, to be someone, to be better.

He comes home to Benny, to tall arms holding him close. He helps in the kitchen, he forgets about numbers, and files, and customers. Here, covered in flour, he's happy.

Benny tells him about Andrea, and the twins, and Dean finds in himself to say.

"I have a daughter." Benny's eyes are so gentle, so soft, it's easy to speak. "Lily. She lives with my best friend and his husband. They adopted her."

He wants to say more, but he feels tears in his eyes. 

In another kitchen, months after that first time with Bobby, he cries in his boyfriend's arms, and Benny tells him it's going to be okay.

 

He calls Michael, one morning. They meet for lunch in the park, Dean handing him the best of what Benny had on the menu. 

"What if I want to change my mind ?" he says, and he hurries at the dark light in Michael eyes. "Not about the adoption, but.. about getting to know her ? I mean..." Dean isn't hungry, he's terrified, but he has to ask. He promised himself, he promised Bobby, and Benny. He has to ask. "What if I just... want some pictures, and maybe a few e-mails, telling me how she's doing ?"

Michael doesn't look like he wants to murder him anymore. He's almost... relieved, oddly enough. "I'm sure Castiel would be glad to get these ready for you, of course." He bites into his sandwich and almost moans, and Dean smiles because he knows what these can do to a human being. Benny is a magician. "You want to visit, too ?"

"No. No, I don't want to traumatize her, really."

"Dean." Michael takes another bite, and waits.

"Can you ask Castiel for me ? If it would be all right with them ? If not, I swear I won't try anything, I won't. But if it's something he's okay with, I wish... I guess..."

"You want to know your daughter."

"Yes." 

Michael smiles, and asks about Dean's job. He doesn't look surprise about Benny, and Dean's decision to leave his internship to work in the bakery. Michael smiles, like he used to do when he was visiting in the summer, listening to them all, little kids. Michael smiles, and Dean can breathe.

 

Castiel comes to the bakery on a Friday, just before Dean's break. It's hard, seeing him here, it brings a lot of things doesn't want to think about close to the surface. Still, it's an evidence, Dean gets rid of his apron, and he grabs Cas into a crushing hug, laughing and crying when it's return with the same force. 

They sit together, and Benny serves them plates of their pear and blue cheese salad, and Cas looks a little shell shocked at everything, the place, and the food, and the kiss they exchange before Benny decides to leave them alone.

"It's... a lot to take in." Cas says, but he smiles, and he stops at his first mouthful of salad. 

"It is. A lot changed in my life, since last year." He puts a little honey on his bread and offers him to Cas, to try with the cheese. "But I'm happy, really."

"I'm glad." They talk about little things, easy things. Dean's new place, and his new life. 

 

"I just want to see her. Please." he pleads, his fingers searching Cas' on the table. "I just need to meet my daughter ? Please ?" The bakery is empty, and Dean feels stupid for leaving Benny alone, but this, this is too important for him to mess up.

"Balthazar and I... we had a fight about it." Castiel holds his hand, and Dean knows he won't let go. Castiel grabs him and keeps him afloat. "You need to understand, he's scared, Dean. He's scared you'll try to take her away from us."

"I won't. I swear I won't."

"Dean..." Castiel is terrified, too, Dean can see it. And he hates himself for doing that to him, to them. "Don't make promises you can't keep. You can't tell me you won't change your mind. You can't swear you won't want her after meeting her."

"She's yours." Dean knows he's close to crying, and he begs, because that's all he can do, all that's left for him to do. "But I swear, Cas, I just want to see her, and hold her a little. I swear she doesn't need to know I'm her anything, she can call me uncle, or nothing really, but please ?"

"Don't be stupid, Dean. You're her father, she has to know." And there lies all his problems with Balthazar, Dean guesses. "We'll find a way, she's still a baby, we'll find a way for her to understand..."

 

Benny holds him close, and he cries. 

They fight, because Benny pushes. He looks for another lawyer, and he reads about Dean's rights. "We can win this" he yells. "She's your daughter, Dean. You're her father, for God's sake, doesn't that mean anything to you ?"

It's their first real fight. Dean goes back to sleep in his own bed, and they ignore each other during the day. Benny is hurt, Dean knows. He wants to feel included, he feels like they're a family, and they could be more, Dean, the twins and Lily. It's easier, in a way, for him. He doesn't know Cas, and Baz. He doesn't know them, he never saw them kiss, or hold hands. He doesn't know what it feels, to have his heart broken watching them dance together, and plan a life together. Dean still feel his love for Castiel burning in his chest, the same way he knows Benny still burns for Andrea. He can't ruin this, he can't. 

 

When Castiel opens the door, on Sunday, he's alone, and the house is quiet. Dean hands him the package, a blanket, green and soft, something useful, he hopes.

"I'm sorry." Cas whispers. "She's been a little sick today, and she's napping for now. She probably won't be very fun to be around."

Dean tries not to burst into tears, and he tries even harder to smile. "It's fine, I can... Maybe another time ?"

Castiel holds his hand, and leads him to the kitchen. It's big and warm, and there's coffee waiting. "She's just tired, but I'm sure she wants to meet you."

"What does she call you ?" Dean asks, because it's been on his mind for days, and he only knows realises what a stupid question it is. But Castiel laughs, it's soft, and sweet. It reminds Dean of their childhood, and their kisses in the dark. 

"She's a little young yet, but I'm Daddy. Balthazar is Papa." He smiles, and comes back with cream and sugar. "We'll find something for you, if you want."

"I... I like Pop. If it's okay." He studies the little cakes in front of him, all homemade. They're not exactly beautiful, like the ones at the bakery, but they smell heavenly, and the whole kitchen smells like sugar and butter, like home, like family.

"So you thought about it." Cas' voice is soft. "You really want to do this."

"I don't... I mean, I can't take her from you. I'm not sure about week-ends, and everything, I used to take care of Sammy, but this... this isn't the same."

"No it's not." The hands handing him the sugar are shaking a little. 

"You must think I'm terribly selfish." The space on fridge is full of pictures, Cas, Baz and Lily, together. 

"You... You don't always understand the effect your decisions have on people around you. You're... reckless, and impulsive."

"I am sorry. I am."

"I know."

 

She doesn't cry when she wakes up, she does these sounds, baby sounds, so adorable, and she lets Cas change her without a fuss. She goes into Dean's arms without a tear, and she just fixes him with her too big eyes.

"Hey beautiful. I'm Dean." he says, and he knows he's crying. "I waited a long time, but I'm here now. I am so happy to meet you."

Castiel is taking pictures, and he's glad, because he knows already, leaving her is going to break his heart. "She wanted to meet you too, right bug ?" Lily turns her head and stares at his father, and then she turns this beautiful gaze to Dean.

"It's time for a little snack, you think you can...?"

Dean kisses her cheek, and she cooes. "What do you think, bug ? You want to eat with Poppa ?" 

Castiel's eyes a a little too damp when he hands him the mashed plums and the bottle of juice. He sits with them, and helps when Dean is a little lost. She eats a little, and falls asleep on his chest, too exhausted by her fever.

 

Dean holds Castiel close, he molds their bodies together, and he forgets about Balthazar, and caution. Castiel cries on his shoulders, and he whispers in the dark. 

"I swear, Cas. I swear. She's yours, she's yours, I won't take her away, I won't." Castiel cries on his shoulder, and Dean kisses him like he did when they were kids. "I swear I won't. I swear."


	3. Chapter 3

Balthazar is there, the second time he comes to visit. He's angry, and he wants to fight, but Dean forgets it soon, because Lily is in her playpen, and she's wrapped into the blanket he bought. 

Dean wonders if Castiel told him about their kisses in the dark. He wonders if things could've been different, for them. If he could've been here, in a house, with Cas.

Lily cooes at him, and shows him images on her favorite book. Dean reads to her, and she looks at him like he's a God, like he's worth something.

 

"Castiel is weak, when you're concerned." Balthazar offers him a drink, something strong, and expensive. Lily is asleep, and Cas working on yet another paper he needs to present to finally end his last year. "He always has been."

"I know I probably don't deserve a second chance, but..."

"Don't ruin this. Me, Cas and Lily. We're a family, Dean." The grey eyes are tired, and Dean wonders what it must be, for Baz, to think it could all end in a second. "You take whatever you want, to discard people like toys. Don't do that to her. Or to Cas."

"You know..."

"About what happened ? Of course I do. Of couse he told me." Balthazar drinks, and there's a small tremor close to his right eye. "You have something good, back there, Cas told me. A good man, a good job. Don't ruin everything."

"What if I want to see her more ?" Baz closes his eyes, and for a minute Dean wonders if he's asleep. He has more lines, and even like this, he looks... old. He is older than them, of course he is, but now Dean sees it. It's not the man who took Castiel away with soft words and fancy dates. He's not the man who took Castiel away when Dean was too busy lying to himself about his feelings. He's not the man who took Castiel away because he wasn't afraid to love him. He's an old man, tired, and Dean isn't a monster.

"We could always... arrange things. Week-ends maybe ?" Balthazar stands up, and Dean notices the weight he lost, and the grey hair. He looks... unhappy. "It's going to be our first Christmas with her, this, I can't give away. But you and your companion could come by for coffee, maybe ?"

"Thank you." Dean shakes his hand, and he wishes he could rewrite everything. "Thank you. I mean it."

 

Benny doesn't know about the kiss, and Castiel in his arms. He doesn't want to tell him, it's something he needs to forget, to keep away, somewhere safe, where it won't hurt anybody. Benny apologizes, and they talk. He looks at the picture on Dean's phone, and he looks happy when Dean tells him about Christmas.

"Dean has a little girl." he tells the twins over Skype. "She's still a baby, and she lives with her other dads."

They look happy, and eager to come visit and meet her. Dean sees the way Andrea watches them. He sees the way Benny's voice gets soft and hesitant when he speaks to her. It's not like these kisses in the dark, of course it isn't, but it puts something in his chest, something dark and burning. 

"You think we could move to another place ?" Benny is back to the kitchen, his kitchen. "We could have a room for the kids, for when they come to visit."

"Let's not get too ahead of ourselves, okay ?" He kisses him, and leaves for his own appartment. It's cold, the sheets almost wet. It takes a few hours for the heating system to finally kick in, and for him to be able to leave his big socks and his sweater. He wants to text Cas, he wants to talk to him. 

Lily is looking for you. 

Cas sends him a message, and Dean reads it, and reads it again. 

I miss you both, he answers, because it's the truth.

We miss you too.

He fixes the screen, in the dark and he doesn't sleep.

 

He gets a call in the middle of the night, and rushes to the hospital despite Sammy's advice. Balthazar is still in, something about his heart. Lily sleeps in Castiel's arms, and they both look so small and so lost. Dean holds them close. He kisses Castiel's cheek, and holds on to him when he cries so hard he can't breathe. Lily sleeps between them, safe. 

Balthazar is still sleeping in the morning, in a room full of beeps and smelling like sickness and death. Dean takes Lily home, holding Castiel's set of keys. He opens the door and plays the part. He bathes her, and feeds her. He gets her ready for her day at the daycare, and he tries to imagine his life as her real father, next to Cas.

When he comes back, with breakfast and a clean shirt, Castiel is kissing his husband, and they're whispering, oblivious of everything that isn't them.

 

Benny leaves for Thanksgiving, to be with the kids. He tries to apologize, and he even asks if Dean wants to join them. Dean knows, he knows what it means for them, and he drives him to the airport. 

"You're doing a good job, with the bakery." He says. "Let's see how it goes without me ?"

Dean knows what it means. He feels a little depressed, a little cold. He closes early, because the snow is getting in the way, and he wants the two students they hired to drive safe to their parents. He cleans alone, and he sits at the same table he sat with Castiel, a lifetime ago. He works, writes down new recipes he would like to try. 

He calls Castiel, because it's late, and it's dark, and it's easier talking to him when he's walking under the snow.

"Are you alone for Thanksgiving, Dean ?" Lily is babbling behind, and he can hear soft music. "I thought maybe you and Benny...?"

"Benny is with his wife, and his kids." It's not exactly a lie, it's almost a truth. "I don't know, didn't want to annoy Sam this year, guess I'll warm myself some turkey dinner tomorrow and watch some shows."

"Balthazar isn't here." Dean smiles, and he wishes he had good gloves, his fingers are freezing.

"Yeah ?"

"He doesn't celebrate Thanksgiving. He's visiting his parents, for a couples of weeks." Dean opens his door, and he looks around him. He watches the small couch, and his DVDs, he watches the plants he tried to keep alive, and the pictures on his fridge. He stays up, in the dark, and waits. "Lily and I... we were going to celebrate together. Please join us, Dean."

"Is Balthazar ok with that ?"

"I'm sure he'll understand."

"So you're going to tell him ?" There's a silence, at this. Dean breathes in, and out. Slowly. In the dark, it's easy. In the dark, he can forget about everything that isn't Cas, and Lily.

"You want me to lie ?"

"I wish I was important enough for you to lie."

Castiel lets a little sound, it's a sob, or a laugh, it's difficult to say.

"You have no idea." Another silence. Dean closes his eyes, and he can picture Cas' breath on his skin. "Dean. Come."

 

He packs a bag.

Because of the snow, he tells himself. Because of the roads. Because Castiel deserves to sleep in, and it'll be easier to help from there. He piles lies after lies, and he drives to the house. Lily giggles when she spots him, and she starts to dance into Cas' arms. 

 

They eat in the kitchen, Lily secure in Dean's arms. 

"You're spoiling her." Cas' eyes shining, a smile dancing on his lips. 

"She deserves it."

 

They drink in Cas' office, the small lamp the only light between them. Castiel doesn't ask about Benny, he doesn't need to, and Dean tells him.

"I can't believe he's doing this." Cas sounds so sad, in the dark. "Leaving you. You looked so happy, together."

"Well, he's in love. I hope it'll work out, I hope he'll get a second chance."

Castiel laughs, and Dean starts to laugh too. It's funny, here, safe in a room smelling like Cas. 

"You're amazing." Castiel finishes his glass, and there's something here, something more. Dean guesses it's not all about him, all about them, but Castiel hurts. "People say it's love. Placing someone else's happiness before yours."

"That's just busllshit, Cas." Their eyes meet, and suddenly the room is too small, it's difficult to breathe. "Cas..."

Dean reaches for the little lamp. In the dark, everything is easier. Castiel cries, but he kisses back, and he lets himself be, pliant and warm. In the dark, Dean touches his chest, his arms, that soft place just close to his ear. 

"I'm sorry." they say, and it's swallowed by lips and tongues and need. "I'm so sorry."

Castiel cries so hard they have to stop. He sobs against Dean, his shirt open.

"I can't, I can't." he says. "I am sorry, Dean I can't."

 

They both sleep together, just like when they were kids, in the guest room's bed. Castiel isn't crying anymore, but he's still shaking a little, and Dean holds him close, and kisses his forehead.

"You love him that much ?" he asks.

"I love him." Dean is tired, suddenly. Tired and cold. But he keeps his arms around Cas, because if he doesn't love him, at least he needs him now. "I can't... ruin my whole life because you want to try..."

"You really think it's an experiment ? You think I don't want you...?" They are not shouting, not here, not now. This, in the dark, used to be them against the world.

"I think you want Lily, and I'm the easiest way for you to..."

"No." Cas tries to speak, and it's difficult not to kiss him silent, not to prove him. "I want you. I've been wanting you my whole life. You were my first kiss, even if you don't remember. I wanted you to be my first, I wanted to, but I was so terrified, and you were so damn innocent, I couldn't.. I couldn't."

"Dean, stop. You slept with everyone..."

"I wanted you, okay ? You. And you went and picked Baz, and I have been waiting ever since." Their kisses are soft, sweet. They're the same kisses they shared years ago, hiding in their rooms, or behind trees. "I know I shouldn't ask. I'm going to Hell, for asking, but I have to."

"I can't, Dean. I can't."

"I love you." Castiel hides in his neck and cries. "And you love me. Even if I don't deserve it. You invited me here. You knew it was going to happen, Cas."

 

Lily babbles and expect Dean to answers at the right moment. They have breakfast together, and make a mess at the table. Castiel sleeps on the couch, exhausted. Dean makes them food, something simple, beef and potatoes, not exactly a real Thanksgiving dinner, but it smells amazing, and Cas always liked the taste of meat with butter and garlic.

"Are you going to tell Balthazar ?" Dean asks, handing him his plate.

"No." Castiel looks sad, and lost. Dean smiles, and brings the wine to the table. That's what he does, he destroys things. Castiel flinches when he reaches for his hand.

 

When he leaves on Sunday, the snow is almost gone. Still, the wind is punishing, and he wraps Cas into a hug, feeling his warmth, and smelling him. Cas slept in his own bed. Dean slept in the guest room. That night, that first night, is left in that special place Dean tries to lock away. 

"Tell him it was me." he whispers. "If you need to tell him, if you want to save your family, tell him it was me. You did nothing wrong, Cas." 

He doesn't stay to see the look on Cas' face. He runs to the Impala, and drives until he's far enough to cry. 

Almost asleep, Dean realises Benny never called.

 

Sammy finally comes over, one day. He watches the bakery for a whole minute, taking in the place, and the food, and Dean, standing there waiting for him. 

"You look happy." He says. "You look good."

"Thanks, Sam." 

It's a little difficult, between them. Sammy is like a puppy, he wants to jump back into things, he wants to fix it, and makes everything okay. 

"How are you ?" he asks. "What's new with you ?"

Dean thinks about Balthazar, back in his house. He thinks about Lily, and Benny moving out. He thinks about the money Castiel put in the bakery, and it's too long to explain.

"Nothing much, Sammy. What about you ?"

His little brother sits at the counter, and he talks. He talks about his classes, and his new place. He talks about his new friends, and how difficult it is to see Gabriel lately, with the divorce.

"What divorce ?"

"Well, Baz and Cas ?" Sam pushes his empty plate and reaches for his drink. "You didn't know ? Baz is leaving. Apparently had someone in New York, and Cas found out. It's been... difficult ?"

"But.. how ? Why ?"

"You know Cas. He's not exactly talking about it, but he's known for months, according to Gabriel. He was trying to save their marriage, but..."

"What's happening, then ?" Dean is thankful for Kevin, who notices something is off with his boss and takes over. "What about Lily ?"

"Apparently Baz isn't going to fight for custody. Michael is trying to sort out the mess, since they weren't exactly married. It's... difficult."

"Where is Cas ?" 

 

Cas comes to him, a few days before Christmas. He comes to his appartment, and sits on the couch. His beautiful eyes are red, and his dark circles are obscene on his pale skin. 

"Where is Lily ?" Dean hands him a mug of tea, and a plate filled with the leftovers of the day. 

"She's with Gabriel. I needed.. to think." Dean sits close. "You must think I'm stupid."

"No. Confused maybe. Scared. Not stupid." Castiel laughs, and grabs one of the pain au chocolat filled with marzipan. It's decadent and exactly what he needs, Dean thinks. "How long ?"

"He says months. But before Lily, I think."

"Sam says he won't take her away." Castiel shakes his head, but doesn't answer. "You never said anything."

"It was... difficult." Dean puts a hand on his shoulder and guides him in his arms. Castiel follows, litke a small child, trusting. "I felt like it was my fault. I kept trying to be better, to make this right between us."

"He was the one who was supposed to." Dean kisses the top of his head. "You're staying ?" A small nod. "Okay, shower for you." 

 

If the place is too small, or too cold, Castiel doesn't say a word. He takes a quick shower, and thanks Dean for the sweats and the shirt waiting for him. They go to bed, because they're grown-ups now, and don't need to pretend they want to watch TV or play video games. It takes them a minute, Dean's bed is new, and they haven't done this enough to just know, but they share a pillow, and Dean traces the black eyebrows with his fingers.

"I didn't tell him. About us." he says. "He's going to make it dirty, he's going to..."

"Shh." Dean kisses his forehead. "It's going to be fine. We'll find a way."

 

Castiel leaves in the morning. Dean kisses him goodbye, and he whispers words of love when they part. He picks up Lily from the daycare, and she stays with him at the bakery until Cas shows up again, a heavy frown on his beautiful face. They eat together, Lily charming Kevin and Anna, and Castiel waits for the text from Balthazar telling him the house is safe for them to go back.

"He moved most of his belongings already." Castiel says, watching Lily sleep in her new chair on the backseat. "I don't know what we'll do with the house. It's too big for me, and even if he offered to pay for it, I don't think..."

"I could help." He's still mad the asshole is doing this on Christmas. He's mad, and he knows he has no right to be, but Castiel cried, and Lily is too young to understand, but yet another man decided she wasn't enough, and Dean is pissed. "We don't have to move in together or anything, but I could always help you. And if it's okay with you, I could just use the guest room ? Plenty of space for both of us."

"Dean. You're not a roommate I'm going to fuck in the dark." 

 

Lily searches for Baz. She calls him a few times, and Castiel closes his eyes, in pain. 

Dean understands what they need from him. He doesn't know when everything changed so much, for him to be the one Castiel holds on to. He kisses him, he holds his face in his hands and kisses his eyes, his nose, his chin. He whispers how lucky he is, and how amazing Castiel is.

"You're an amazing father. You've been her father for the moment she was born. She's going to be fine, Cas. She has you."

Lily searches for Papa, and she frowns when he doesn't come to pick her up. Dean shows her the kitchen, and the ingredients for the pie he's making. She sits in her chair, and chews on some apple slices, and Dean tells her about Mary's pie, and the cookies he's going to make soon. 

 

Christmas is right around the corner, small and intimate, just the three of them. Dean closes the bakery, and he rushes to the house, the trunk full with the last of his stuff, once again in huge garbage bags. Kevin is excited to finally have in own place, away from campus and closer to his family. 

"It's not ideal." Castiel is exhausted, too, and he hides his yawn in his hand. His grey pjs are low on his hips, and he scratches his stomach, eyeing the bare walls behind his glasses "We should probably do this properly, move stuff around and paint, maybe, make this your house too."

The movers are just out, taking Balthazar away from this place that used to be their home. Dean smiles and drags him to the room, now their room. It should feel odd, except it doesn't, not really. Sure they order a new bed, and Dean isn't a fan of the dark grey sheets. But Castiel is there, with mugs of tea, and a plate of orange chocolate. 

"I.. I love you, you know." he says, shy and unsure. Dean kisses him. He kisses him because it's right, because it's allowed. He pushes the plate on the floor, and he rolls them onto the bed. Castiel looks terrified, so he knows it won't go far. Still, he makes the other man pants in his mouth, and in the broken silence after he tells him how much he loves him.

Lily wakes him up at two. 

He cries walking to her room.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find it (and me) on tumblr !
> 
>  http://iwanttopizzamanyou.tumblr.com/post/122530264334/lily-1  
> http://iwanttopizzamanyou.tumblr.com/post/122590754114/lily-2  
> http://iwanttopizzamanyou.tumblr.com/post/122591691689/lily-3
> 
> Nice comments and kudos are warm chocolatey banana cake for the soul.


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